


Castiel's Adventures in Texting

by Aurora_bee



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Do not read with a hot drink, Gen, Human Castiel, Humor, M/M, Silly, Texting, crossed wires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2018-11-20 09:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11332596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurora_bee/pseuds/Aurora_bee
Summary: Castiel gets to know auto-correct a little better.My first Supernatural fic, I hope that if nothing else it makes someone giggle.All characters are alive and kicking, and as of the first chapter Castiel does not have his powers.Enjoy!





	1. Chapter 1

Hello Dean.  
Do you know if placenta contains gluten?  
Castiel

What the hell are you doing??  
D

I am making lunch for Sam, he has informed me that he is now on a gluten free diet.  
Castiel

I’m pretty sure Sam’s not going to want to eat placenta Cas.  
D

I believe the word polenta was not recognised and was corrected to placenta. My apologies.  
Castiel

What in hell is polenta?  
D

 

Hello Dean  
Sam is homosexual.  
Castiel

I’ve had my suspicions so how’d you find out? He touch your ass or something?  
D

No Sam is Hotlips.  
Castiel

Really? Sounds like things are getting steamy your end. Want me to book into a motel?  
D ;) 

No Sam is HOME Dean. I’m getting fisted now!  
Castiel

TMI Cas.  
D

I'm getting frustrated now. Why does this device insist on sending the wrong word?  
Castiel

Autocorrect dude, but you know it’s brightened my day.  
D

 

Cas I heard Dean got stung by a swarm of bees, is he ok?  
Sam

Hello Sam  
Yes he is alright now he had to take the epic penis.  
Castiel

????  
Sam

They had to inject him with an epic penis.  
Castiel

Uhm yes Cas it’s still gross no matter how many times you repeat it.  
Sam

They had to inject him with an EPI PEN.  
Castiel

That makes more sense. See you back at Bobby’s in 10.  
Sam

 

Hello Dean  
Do you know of anything that will repel squirrels?  
Castiel

Autocorrect again?  
D

No, I am surrounded by squirrels and they seem rather unfriendly.  
Castiel

 

You done with the hoovering boy?  
Bobby

Hello Bobby  
Yes, I believe the living room is now in a suitable condition for visitors. That hooker you left has very powerful suction.  
Castiel

Just make sure they’re gone before I get back.  
Bobby

I’m confused.  
Castiel

Ain’t you always, just don’t give ‘em your credit card details.  
Bobby


	2. Chapter 2

Hey Cas, what are you upto? I thought we could go get a beer.  
D

Hello Dean  
I have just finished masturbating. I find it relaxing.  
Castiel

Awkward.  
D

Sorry I meant menstruating.  
Castiel

Still awkward, and now weird.  
D

The auto-cucumber is wrongly correcting my words. I was meditating.  
Castiel

So beer then?  
D

I would like that.  
Castiel

 

Hello Sam  
Do you know where my penis is?  
Castiel

I’m pretty sure it’s your pants.  
Sam

No I have checked.  
Castiel

Do you remember the last time you saw it?  
Sam

Dean was using it in the kitchen.  
Castiel

I have found it, he has worn it out.  
Castiel

Can I borrow your penis?  
Castiel

No dude.  
Sam

Apologies Sam that should have said pen, I don’t know why it said penis.  
Castiel

It defaults to the word you use most often Cas.  
Sam

 

What do the guys want from Grindhouse Cas?  
Charlie xxx

Hello Charlie  
Dean would like one large man with a side of girly fries, and an orange cumsicle.  
Sam would like the erotic chicken salad and a large coke zero.  
I will have the same as Dean.  
Castiel

OMG ROTFL. Check your order Cas.  
Charlie xxx

Apologies.  
Dean would like one large man with a side of curly fries and an orange poopsicle.  
Sam would like the egg topic chicken salad and a cock heron.  
I’ll have the same as Dean.  
Castiel

Seriously I can’t breathe… Look I think the autocorrect on your phone is messing with you.  
Charlie xxx

Apologies again, please do not stop breathing.  
Dean would like one large meal with a side of cuticle fries and an oversized bicycle.  
Sam would like the exotic chicken salad with a Zak Zefron.  
I will have Dean.  
Castiel

OK…. Had to get out of the queue people are looking at me strangely. One more try? Hopefully I won’t pee myself.  
Charlie xxx

Hey what have you been doing to Cas he looks like he’s about to cry.  
D

I’ve been trying to take your diner order. Want to give it a try.  
Charlie xxx

I want like one large burger meal with a side of curly fries and an orange popsicle (don’t judge me).  
Sam would like the exotic chicken salad with a Coke Zero.  
Cas wants the same as me.  
D


	3. Chapter 3

Hello Kevin.  
Dean has asked me to invite you to diner on Saturday. He will be cooking over an open flame in the yard. Apparently the oven is not sufficient. Dean has also asked that you inflate your girlfriend and bring her along.  
Castiel

That’s harsh man.  
Kevin

That should read invite. My apologies Kevin.  
Castiel

 

Cas, Sam has manflu and is being a complete wuss. Can you get him one of his girly coffees.  
D

Hello Dean  
Will a cinnamon douche suffice?  
Castiel

Nah he’d probably whine about that (Get him a large cinnamon latte).  
Dean

 

Hello Dean  
What’s a cat’s favourite colour?  
Castiel

I don’t know.  
D

Pervert.  
Castiel

?  
D

Pubes  
Castiel

??  
D

Perforated pelicans.  
Castiel  


Is it Purrrrple?  
D

Yes :(  
Castiel

I’ll pull your finger when I get back, that’ll cheer you up.  
D

Thank you Dean  
Castiel

 

Hello Sam and Dean  
Charlie has informed me that for movie night this week we will be watching Harry Potato and the Philosophers Stove, followed by Spaceballs.

I think my phone is correcting words again, Spaceballs?  
Castiel

No comment.  
Sam

Spaceballs is right. I’m looking forward to Harry Potato and the Philosophers Stove. I’m thinking jackets, with loads of butter.  
D

 

Do you have the directions to the house Cas?  
Sam

No idiot.  
Castiel

I was only asking!  
Sam

Sorry Sam, no I don’t have the directions. Could you testicle them to me please.  
Castiel

I’ll TEXT them to you now.  
Sam

Hello Dean  
Is it usual for humans to crave food? I am craving children nuggets.  
Castiel

Uhm, yeah it’s normal for us to crave food. It’s not normal for us to crave ‘children nuggets though’.  
D

I crave chicken nuggets not children nuggets. I will ask Sam to have a look at this cell.  
Castiel

I’m starting to think it needs an exorcism.  
D

 

How goes the human thing little bro?  
Gabe

Hello Gabriel  
It takes a little getting used to, but I believe that I am coping sufficiently.  
Castiel

How are you getting on with Deano?  
Gabe

I think he is the only person I have ever considered anal fisting.  
Castiel

No exactly what I was hoping for, but go on.  
Gabe

A friend... I have to go now before you get the wrong idea.  
Castiel


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait between chapters. I brained myself on the bathroom wall on the weekend and I was a bit sore and grumpy.

Cas I feel really guilty leaving you at Bobby’s while we find this guy.  
D

Hello Dean  
That’s okay I am enjoying working in the yard and cleaning Bobby’s dick is very relaxing.  
Castiel

Tell Bobby to clean his own Dick!  
D

Sorry Dean that was meant to say deck.  
Castiel

Not that I was bothered.   
D 

 

Hello Bobby   
I was jerking a cock and it sprayed all over the couch. Where do you keep the cleaning products?  
Castiel

I’m going to kill you boy. Is Dean there?  
Bobby

Bobby, Dean here, what Cas meant to say was that he was opening a coke and it sprayed over the couch.   
D

Tell him to say that then.  
Bobby

Will do when I find him.  
D

 

Hello Sam  
I took your advice and took anal for two hours today, you were right I feel revived.  
Castiel

I don’t remember telling you to do that!   
Sam

I took a nap, oh dear.  
Castiel

It’s alright buddy. I’ll have another look at your phone later  
Sam

 

I’m going to pick you up at six, that ok?  
D

Hello Dean  
Sex is fine thank you.  
Castiel

Awesome.  
D x

 

Hello Sam  
Do you want me to buy the homosexual milk?  
Castiel

I don’t mind, I don’t think lesbian cow milk will taste any different as long as it’s homogenized.  
Sam

Auto-cocksucker is not working properly.  
Castiel

You don’t say..  
Sam

 

Hello Dean  
Charlie was telling me she has taken up horse cock riding. I think I might enjoy such an activity.  
Castiel

I’m pretty sure Charlie’s not interested in any sort of cock.  
D

Oh, I meant bare back riding I think that’s correct.  
Castiel

Good enough ;)  
D


	5. Chapter 5

Hello Dean

Do you want me to put a sweater in my Cameltoe for you?

Castiel

 

You must have pretty big Cameltoe, I’m not a small man.  
D

 

I apologise I meant Camouflage Tote bag. I do not have Camel toes, I have human feet. I don’t believe I could fit your sweater between my toes. 

Castiel

 

Helol Daem

Nananananananananananananananana breastmilk!

Catseil

 

Have you been drinking Cas? I think you meant Batman btw.  
D

 

Oh yea=s bamat.

Catslie

 

Hello Sam

Do you know if I can burn Vietnamese in Bobby’s yard in a trash can?

Castiel

 

How many are we talking about?

Sam

 

I would think a couple of hundred.

Castiel

 

Are you having one of your rampages again?

Sam

 

No, oh dear, Vietnamese was incorrect. It should have said leaves.

Castiel

 

That should be fine. Sorry I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Sam

 

That’s fine Sam, I have always had a deeper connection with Dean.

Castiel

 

Hello Sam

I’m eating your brother out tonight.

Castiel

 

TMI. About time though.

Sam

 

What does TMI mean?

Castiel

 

Too Much Information. Have you got protection (you know Dean)?

Sam

 

I’m confused. I do have my Angel blade if I need it.

Castiel

 

I mean a condom.

Sam

 

Why would I need a profolactic?

Castiel


	6. Chapter 6

Hello Dean  
Are you Asian?  
Castiel

Huh?  
D

Apologies, I meant awake  
Castiel

I am now   
D

 

Hello Sam  
There seems to be something wrong with your new Penis  
Castiel

You do know that you sent this to me, not Sam. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH HIS PENIS?  
D

Cas, why is Dean threatening to castrate me?  
Sam

Hello Dean  
Autocorrect changed PC into penis. I am confused, why would you need to castrate Sam?  
Castiel

Don’t worry about it Cas  
D

 

Hello Sam  
The owner of the motel has said that we can take a dip in in his poophole later  
Castiel

I would much rather use the pool  
Sam

 

Hello Charlie  
Dean said if you come at 6 he will start grilling some baby back kids.  
Castiel

Mmmm.. Not really into eating children.  
Charlie

Baby back ribs. Dean would never cook a child  
Castiel

I know ;) Would you like me to take a look at your cell?  
Charlie

I would be grateful if you could.  
Castiel

 

Hello Dean  
They have Apple and blackcurrant pie, would you like me to get one?  
Castiel  
I love Dean Winchester

You have to ask!!! Uhm, about the other thing?  
D

What other thing?  
Castiel  
I think Dean Winchester is awesome

Has someone been messing with your phone?  
D

Charlie had a look at it to see if she could fix the autocorrect errors I seem to have  
Castiel  
I want to French kiss Dean

Ahh, that would explain it then  
D

Explain what?  
Castiel  
I want to have Dean’s babies

Do me a favour, and tell Charlie to look at your phone again  
D

Of course Dean  
Castiel  
Cas4Dean4ever

 

Hello Dean  
Charlie said that she will not fix my phone unless you take me to Valentino's restaurant for dinner and jump my bones afterward. I am not sure what that requires?  
Castiel  
Dean Winchester makes be swoon

Fine, I’ll show you at 7.  
D  
Castiel is hot

I think your autocorrect is malfunctioning  
Castiel

No it’s not ;)  
D x


	7. Chapter 7

I’m gonna be late, Baby has a flat. Do you want to go to the late showing?  
D

Hello Dean  
Yes, knock me up if I’m asleep.  
Castiel

Don’t think I can do that unless it’s an angel thing  
D

I don’t understand.  
Castiel

 

Hello Sam  
Dean is playing his music very loudly. I have shit myself in the kitchen.  
Castiel

I hope that is an autocorrect error, otherwise ewww…  
Sam

I hate this phone.  
Castiel

 

Are you ok Cas?  
D

Hello Dean  
I am feeling a little better, I have been sucking on my balls all day.  
Castiel

You should show me that later.  
D

Of course Dean. If you are near a store could you pick me up some cherry flavoured ones please?  
Castiel

???  
D

Apologies I mean Halls throat sweets not balls.  
Castiel

I’m a little disappointed but I’ll get some for you.  
D

 

Cas what colour tie did you pick out afterward?  
Charliexxx

Hello Charlie  
I chose gayanal.  
Castiel

Not sure what color that is?  
Charliexxx

It’s a the same color of the sky on a rainy day.  
Castiel

Do you mean grey?  
Charliexxx

Ah, yes I do. I should have chosen the green.  
Castiel

You mean like Dean’s eyes?  
Charliexxx


End file.
